Being lonely while living abroad is often discussed, but I believed I was immune to it. The notion of being on my own for extended periods didn’t frighten me. I however took for granted that, while I could be alone and be content back home, I also thrived in social settings. Not to mention, the accessibility of friends being just a drive, walk, or boda boda(motorbike) ride away if I needed one-on-one human interaction. For context, I have never been away from home (Uganda) for more than two weeks in my many years and while I am lucky to have stayed connected with friends virtually, the power of face-to-face interactions is never to be underestimated.
Throughout the many months of school from September 2022 to September 2023, I was doing well. I was comfortable with the very few friends and acquaintances I made, thinking I was plenty occupied.
I never experienced homesickness, and I believed I had survived the loneliness blues I had heard about. Come the first week of September 2023, on the 9th, I submitted my dissertation, and I was elated. That meant I didn’t have to go to the library or school anymore. However, because I had been so engrossed in the intensity of the dissertation, I failed to notice that some of the structures I had grown accustomed to, which kept me occupied, were now gone. Like knowing I had lectures and study sessions on given days of the week, and then spending the weekend reading, hanging out with the few friends, watching movies, or just doing nothing and repeating this routine. With that chapter completed, I realized I had more time and craved more human connection. I experienced bouts of loneliness, and though these were more like fleeting experiences when they happened, I felt them deeply. I felt lost, often confused, and untethered. It hit me that one thing I unintentionally neglected in the past year was making friends. I am typically social, and though I identify as an introverted extrovert, I ordinarily did not struggle to make friends in the past. But here I was, realizing that as phases end, people disperse, and that’s when I recognized how limited and unintentional the networks I created were. I felt like I had let myself down, as I had intended to “put myself out there” initially. We make plans but life happens! One other thing that has been reinforced through this experience is how expectations and realities can be so different. You can only anticipate and prepare yourself to a certain extent but envisioning and living reality is different in both good and bad ways.
What did I do to address these feelings of loneliness?
I had to introspect to understand how I found myself in this situation, and that was a tough process.
- Firstly, I realized that I am not unique; being human, I was susceptible to such occurrences. Experiencing situations that remind us of our humanity is truly humbling.
- Secondly, I realized that one of the limiting things that capped my social wings was fear. This was the biggest issue. I had many fears that gripped me, and though I subconsciously pushed them to the back of my head and wore a smile most times, they influenced how I showed up in places and the efforts I put into being seen and sharing myself with others. This acknowledgment of self was a significant step in my awareness and helped me identify internal and external tools and resources to address these fears and return to my normal self. I know mentioning this without delving into what these fears are leaves questions, but that will be for another post. I am also sharing this because now that I know what I have to confront, it feels like it has loosened its grip on me. I may have projected a brave face, but I gave fear an inkling, and it made itself comfortable and took hold.
- Thirdly, building a local community is essential. Being in school naturally creates a sense of community due to organized interactions, but in the absence of this structured environment, the work of building and nurturing friendships becomes crucial. I am prepared to do the work. Whilst I had some prior understanding of these things, I am grateful for the real-time experience and the lessons learned.
- Lastly, If you’ve been following me for a while, you’re aware of my love for sunsets and sunrises. They never fail to uplift any mood. All I have to do is look up to the skies.
I will have to share an update later in the year because as of now, I am working on being free from all fear and spreading my social wings. I already made a head start with reconnecting with a friend from high school recently, as well as making and nurturing new connections. I know it gets better from here. As I conclude, I wonder if anyone reading this has been through the same or is currently experiencing it. What was it like for you? Indulge me in the comments, please.
Have you thought about things that you feel have been limiting you from enjoying where you are to the fullest? If yes, what are you going to do about it? If not, do you want to think about it?
I wish you a beautiful February and leave you with these beautiful images I captured recently.
Hermusings 